Are Yo
u Broke?
Want to know why you're broke and no matter how much you work you'll still be tired and poor? Read the constitution someday.
Let me guess. You're reaching that time in every young person's life when, usually somewhere between prom and graduation, when you begin to question your own individual purpose. Unless you're a total pothead and are too busy making gravity bongs in your mom's kitchen to give a shit about what you're going to be doing in the next five minutes, let alone the next five years of your life. For the rest of us, the thought of military service does cross our minds at one time or another. And why wouldn't it? You can't watch network television without seeing some well choreographed, high-priced commercial for any one of the branches of the armed forces. "I am an Army of One", "The few, the proud" or as we used to say, "The few proud!" All of these commercials look so high tech that I almost want to re up.
But there's one underlying factor that makes each of these advertisements very similar and that is that every brach of the military seems to be offering some type of college tuition benefits in exchange for a few small years of your life. That's it? You're telling me that all I have to do is do whatever you tell me to do for four years or so, and I go to college for free? Sound familiar? But why would the military propose such a generous offer? Do they really care if you get the finest education that their money can buy? Of course not! They offer it because they know that the majority of American people are middle class to lower class citizens. They also know that in today's society, we believe in the idea that education equals a better job equals a better life. And by offering this better life to the majority of the young people in this country, they are steadily increasing the number of eager volunteers they receive on a daily basis.
So you Join! You want a piece of that pie so you sign your name on the dotted line. But when you get a chance, take a look around you. Are you surrounded by people just like you? Poor, working class stiffs looking to get ahead in life. You poor bastards and your dreams of Big Benefits. Have you noticed that there are almost no rich people around? No trust fund kids who enlisted because they love their country and want to make it a better place. OF COURSE NOT, they're in college! That's right, they're at the finest university in the country right now! They're taking the biggest bong rips and snorting the best coke in the country right now. While you're banging out your drill, they're banging the hottest cheerleaders in the country, RIGHT NOW! They're living the life you are working so hard to obtain while you're defending their right to do so. If you ask me, you have some serious codependancy issues.
But here's the best part. Here's where irony takes a turn for the worse. When you're all done serving your country and you come back home and apply for a job... who do you think your boss is going to be? That's right! Isn't that hilarious? Your boss is an alcoholic ex-frat boy with a coke addiction and every STD under the sun. He gets to hire you, fire you, and when he's hung over from a drunken bender and shows up to work two hours late, unshaven and smelling like the inside of a wino's ass... You get to make him coffee! Hurray America!
DON'T ENLIST! Make the government bring back the draft. That way if you go down at least you'll take Prince Trust Fund with you.